There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize