I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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