I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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