My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize