I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As shirtless as possible
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
