some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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