If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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