Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize