She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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