I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
