Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
