i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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