things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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