i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Even my vagina gasped.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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