Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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