Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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