Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
