i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
