I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
