I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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