I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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