I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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