Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
