if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
