Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
