Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
