Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
