before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
