Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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