I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
