Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
