Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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