fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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