Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
