i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
