We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
