I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
