if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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