Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
