how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
