YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
