its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
