I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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