my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize