At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
