she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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