I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
