I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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