Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
