I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
