I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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