my phone needs a breathalizer
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
