I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
home. puking in laundry basket.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
