Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
