how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
