he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's always time for handjobs
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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