Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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